Funnies and A Question

Directly and unabashedly stolen from the Stephen King forums:

  • A North Carolina Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”
    The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t get out in that pasture over there.” The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, “I have the authority of the State of North Carolina to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.”
    So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn’t too much later that the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind him was the farmer’s huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet’s nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.
    The old farmer yelled out, “Show him your card, Smart Ass….Show him your card!”
  • (Actual letter sent by an Iowa resident to his senator)
    The Honorable Tom Harkin
    731 Hart Senate Office Building
    Phone (202) 224 3254
    Washington DC , 20510                                                                                                           
    Dear Senator Harkin,
    As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.


Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status is that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert

Sounds like a heckuva deal, doesn’t it?!  Now for the question:

You may or may have not read or seen the story, Word Processor of the Gods.  The story revolves around a Word Processor that effects reality, and I thought I’d put this little experiment that is going on over at the SK boards out there for my friends to try:

If you had access to the Word Processor of the Gods, and could only get two sentences typed before it broke completely and irrevocably, what would you type? 


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