Tatiyana Ostapawych sings “Someone to watch over me” She has a mediocre beginning, but gets a little better.
Simon: “I don’t think you’re as good as you think you are. ”
“Let me prove you wrong, Simon. ”
“Okay, yes. ”
3 yes’s and she’s through. And thus another night of American Trauma, er, Idol begins.
Next up is Perry Cataldo, a single father from Arizona. His son’s mother died an evidently violent death, but Perry looks like he’s got himself together and sincerely wishes to just take care of his son, who’s just an adorable little boy. .
He attempts Boyz 2 Men, “I’ll make love to you,” and is passable, but needs to learn to breathe properly, I think.
Simon, I think you have a really really good voice.
Randy: Dude, you were on, yes,
Paula: Yes. (short and simple. meds must be kicking in.)
And our first (of I’m sure what will be too many) commercial breaks of the night.
Next up is Michael Johns. I don’t know the song, but he doesn’t have a bad voice. Simon thinks it was a good audition. “You’re like a white soul singer.”
Three yes’s (Randy “a hundred, a million percent yes.)
Up next is Marat who reminds me of Arvid from head of the class
Christopher Mitchell is a quick tone-deaf glimpse,
then tehilla miller, who just trills into yecch.
Next up is Velerie Reyes, who thinks she’s the next Mariah Carey. people ask her, “Did you have Mariah playing?” “And I’m like, no that was me.” She also notes that you can’t help but laugh at the rejects.
Hearing her sing, I think she’s going to be one of them. She squeals through “Against All Odds,” by Phil Collins. I’d says it’s against all odds that she’s going to Hollywood. (By the way, if they’d had Idol on when I was young enough to audition, that’s the song I’d have chose. And I’d have made it, too, baby. Oh, yeah.)
Simon says “Oh. My. God. The only resemblance to Mariah Carey is mariah carys CD left out in the sun for a year and THEN you tried to play it.”
Randy, “You have a tone there, but you need to sing a melody.”
3 no’s, and she’s one of the rejects. “Oh my god, now I’m gong to be on the rejects, now that I think of it. This is so not cool. Ooh. ”
Called that one, didn’t I?
After a quick glimpse at someone singing accompanied by a mime (no I am NOT making that up), we meet two people who come together. Monique Gibson is up first, and I take a quick look out the window to see if someone hit a moose that was fucking a cat. Yeah, that’s an apt description.
Simon, “There’s nothing wrong with walking out of here knowing you can’t sing.”
“One day I’ll be back.”
Up next is her friend, Christopher Baker. “The reality is there’s not a single person on planet earth who would pay to hear you sing.”
“I understand your opinion, Simon,” yada yada, “So I’m going to sing in a lower tone.” :wtf:
Holy Jesus, some people don’t know when to give up, do they? As my grandfather used to say, “He should sing solo. So low we can’t hear him.”
Christopher murders “I Believe the Children Are Our Future.” I hope something’s in his future, because it sure isn’t another episode of this show. Buh-bye now.
Then we get a montage of clearly deranged women who think Simon is hot.
Gag me. Two sisters who are infatuated with Simon, The first sister, Samantha Musa, sings Aretha’s “Until you come back to me” while her sister sits on Simon’s lap. She’s got a nice tone, and I can see potential. Voice cracks once, but that may be nerves. Sis starts the judging. 🙄
Randy “I thought it was quite excellent”
Paula “Good Job”
Michelle “If I can come along”
Simons” You’ve got 4 yes’s.”
Randy” this is weird, all of this Simon-obsessed love.”
Simon” I love this country”
I am SO glad I haven’t eaten yet, or it would be coming right back up. Ryan wasn’t too impressed by the bull either, but that ends day one in san diego. And we go to break.
We’re back to some peole soaking up the sun, with Ryan’s usual banal voiceover.
First up is Blake Boshnak, who’s auditioned in “at least 10 cities. You may remember that he wore a Statue of LIberty outfit in season 5 (and they show a clip of Simon cutting him off). A little patter between him and mom, and we see the audition. Goofy looking sucker.
Uh-oh, the judges all say.
Simon, “You were the idiot who wore the statue of liberty
Sings Stand By Me like quite the ham. They cut him off and he keeps singing. Randy, “No.”
Paula, “Not quite there yet,”
Simon, “Glad to meet you AS A PERSON.”
Ryan, “There’s always next year!”
I’d probably have punched the smug jackass.
During the next hour of auditions (their time, not show time) they say no to everyone. They compare a blond girl to William Hung, and that’s the lest of the misery we see.
Next up is Alberto
“For me, singing is like the ultimate expression of my soul.”
“I live there (in my imagination) a little too much.”
Yeah, um, I don’t know if he’s a pre-op transgender person or not. Long nails and hair but, those wolfman sideburns as well. And quite the lilt in his step. I just cannot tell. He wrote his song, and it’s a “gloomy story.” Gloomy performance, too, to tell you the truth. He wasn’t that good of a singer.
Okay, the eagle flying across the screen is a bit much.
And another break.
Aaron Garrett “sings” “leave me alone” and I wish he would. Oof.
Next up is 16 year old David, who had a paralyzed vocal cord when he was younger. He wants to sing, but feels he’s recovered now, so we’ll see.
He sings “waiting on the world to change” by John Mayer. Not bad, either. Forgets the words a bit. . .But not bad for only 16. And he’s got “the look” that they’re all looking for. (The way Simon is looking at him makes me think “pedophile” a little bit, though.) Randy sings a little back-up for him during the audition, and gives him a good review.
Paula thinks he has a nice tone, is mature for his young age, and thinks he’s a sweetheart.
Simon thinks it was a great choice of song, by the way, and with three yes’s (one million percent yes for Randy,) David is through to Hollywood.
*sigh* more commercials
When we come back, we’re down to our last contestant, Carly who was disqualified in season 5 after being picked in Vegas because her visa paperwork (government, not credit) didn’t come through in time.
She sings Carly Smithson Whitney Houston’s I’m Every Woman, and Simon doesn’t look too impressed this time around . . . Even though the other two give her big “whooooooo” s, Simon says it wasn’t as good as two years ago.
Three yes’s, however, and she’s got her second shot at hollywood.
Although, since she’s European, is that fair that she’s going to be competing for “American” Idol? Ve shall zee. Ve shall zee.
30 others from San Diego are joining Carly for the short trip north to Hollywood, where the competition will be much stiffer. And so will Paula’s drinks.
I do like the rimshot, folks.
Tune in tomorrow for more American Idol. There promises to be misery aplenty. Which is why we all tune in right?
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