I missed the very first audition–we were late coming back from dinner. The second audition, however, was a rather large young man with a very polite demeanor and an unfortunate lack of talent. The judges were kind to him, though, starting off the night on a light note, saying they liked him but that he just wasn’t a good fit. Outside the audition room he says, “Simon didn’t come down on me like I thought he would. That’s good ’cause he goes down on just about everybody.”
Heh. Now there’s a funny line no one needed a writer for.
After the break, Beth sings the aptly titled “beautiful disaster.” I had gone into the other room for a second, and I honestly thought someone was shaking her, she had so much warble in her voice. Simon couldn’t make out a word the poor girl “sang.”
Follow that by a succession of atrocities–nothing worth remarking on. Then, finally, we hear “Vanessa” doing an impressive rendition of “Stronger” by Faith Hill. Three yes’s and she’s through.
Then it’s the first break–I simply HAVE to tell you all about the ridiculous Crest commercial “starring” Ryan Seacrest. I’m sure it’s on youtube by now–his “hu-huh” laugh at the end made me want to hurl. Could he look any more pained to have a female that close to him? Way to fuel the gay rumors, Ryan.
After the break we’re back, and it seems to me we’ve found the Christian Candidate. 19 years old and never been kissed, he sings “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone,” they give him worse reviews than I would. I’d have sent him through in a heartbeat. Yet they all pass.’
Oh, well. They’re bound to make mistakes.
Pia Easley is up next, lookin’ like a dinosaur with that haircut. She has got a voice on her, however. Simon calls her interesting. He likes her a lot. Paula says she does, too, and would like to see more of her range. Randy concurs, and she’s through to Hollywood. Now another break, with a sneak peak of tonights superfreak: The Birdman Cometh. At least, that’s what Ryan calls it.
Here comes a nailbiter–literally. Brandon’s “unique” quality is his habit of peeling his fingernails and keeping them in a plastic baggie. Okay, that’s just a tad eccentric, don’t you think? He sings “rich girl” by Hall & Oates. I can definitely see some potential there, but Simon says he’s forgettable. Paula says, “I liked you.” Simon says, “You would.” Randy says he has a good voice but it’s a bit karioke. A bit of patter and he’s going to hollywood with Paula & Randy’s votes–and his bag of fingernail peelings.
Kayla Hatfield is next, from Campbell TX. She lives on a farm with 8 horses and has 2 children ages 3 & 4. When she was 18 she was travelling in a car that got t-boned by another car. She remembers hearing the whoop of the chopper, then waking up a week later; half of her face is obviously scarred but she is exceptionally agile and fun, practically bouncing around the stage in her excitement. She comes on, comes on, comes on, but her Janice Joplin isn’t up to snuff. She sounds a bit hoarse to me. Simon says he would like to be Kayla “for an hour every day, maybe two. You are soooo happy, aren’t you?” And she is. Practically jumping out of her skin with glee. Simon continues, to paraphrase: “In the belief that all rock & roll stars should be a little bit mad, I’m going to say yes.” WTF? Is Simon pulling a fast one so the others have to be the ones to reject the accident survivor? Randy says he likes her but there are some pitch problems, however, very surprisingly, Simon says “you’ve got to let this girl through” and he does. Now Paula looks like a bitch because she’s the only one to say no to the poor girl.
Her family looks like they can’t believe it. Hell, I’m still a bit in shock that she’s through to Hollywood. Am I hearing the same people they are?
After the break, we get the usual chaffe, Including a blond kid who can NOT sing Aretha. He betta’ THINK.
FINALLY! A wonderful young woman named Katie sings the belts one out. Simon thinks she’s “Supersuper talented.” He also looks a little overexcited to me, if you know what I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Katie goes through to Hollywood.
Next up is Douglas Davidson. He grunts and stuff as a warmup. Sings livin on a prayer by bon jovi. He’s huffing and puffing …simon says “what thehell was that? ” “Douglas. DOUGLAS. DOUGLAS, I don’t want to hear any more of this stupidity. You’re whispering and panting and doing all this strange stuff . . .” Randy “He’s not even listening. We should just escort him out.” “No one ever in a million years is going to pay to hear you sing.” He keeps singing and is escorted out.
Simon: “They’re gonna take you someplace safe. ”
Randy: “It’s a very weird city today, this Dallas.”
Next up is Angela Riley. Her husband is a professional model named Chad. She starts singing, “baby love” and reminds me of Bette Midler playing it campy. At least she has Chad. They consider her singing to be “a bit Karioke” and she’s gone.
Next up is Kyle, the hopeful future president. Heh heh. Aspiring politician. He’s singing somebody to love by Queen. Simon likes him and Randy is reminded of a glee club performance. Very Academic. With a “What the heck, I say yes.” from Paula he’s through to hollywood. Oooh-kay. Now I’m convinced that they’re all a bit stoned or drunk–I can’t decide which.
Next up is Tammy Kazyinski. She’s going for “The Power of Love,” by Celine Dion. Sings wrong song–badly, and starts over, taking forever to do so. Well, the silence is nice. Another attempt and she’s out.
Next up is the man with this year’s hair, he’s in a band, sings Boondocks by little big town. Colton Swan. Got pipes, yes he certainly does. Paula thinks he did a good job. Simon thought it was “ok,” says there are lots of guys singing in bars across america like him. Simon’s either way, Randy makes him decide, he says yes, Randy makes it three and he’s through to hollywood. He makes a joke out of faking his parents out (and Ryan along with them) by getting the judges to basically boo him on his way out the door, hiding the telltale yellow “I’m goin’ to Hollywood!” paper in his pocket on the way out.
Next is a short montage of a bunch of guys in dresses–I guess they decided to put all of them together in successive clips–none go through.
Next up is a farming segment on, because the next contestant, Drew, is a farmer. He belts out “Check Yes or No,” with a nice Baritone voice. He’s also adorable (the picture does not do him justice). If I weren’t married . . . let’s just say I think his tractor’s sexy, lol. Simon says no, Randy likes him. Paula didn’t feel any kind of “wow” factor but says yes anyway.
Juxtapose him against the next guy, Kyle, who goes heavy on the “guyliner” and dances like a a stereotypical queen. He is SO “in the club.” He sings Kelly Clarkson’s “Never Again” like a fierce jungle cat– that’s been caught between some piano wires. Simon calls it very disturbing, slightly demonic. Paula agrees that it’s a little scary.
Now we get a montage, Kelly Clarkson style/ “Since You’ve Been Gone,” that’l make you shudder. Next is a young lady that the judges practically ignore in all their bickering. Nina Shaw. Simon calls her very, very, very old fashioned. Paula calls her pageant like. She pulls a couple of verses of Sun in the Sky out of her hat and Randy says yes, Simon says no, and Paula says she shows promise and says yes. Welcome to Hollywood, and another break. Next up is our nightly freak who wears feathers. Renaldo who sings I Am Your Brother and is a bit in love with Simon. Paula finally screams after the 5th repetition of this torture and runs from the room. Really, you have to see this for yourself. He’s more likely to be the next William Hung than anyone else we’ve seen so far.
And that’s it for night two. Hope you enjoyed the commentary. It’s hard to type all the dialogue in real time and insert comments at the same time. I’ll see if I can do this again next week.