I have never outright panned anything that I’ve been asked to review before now. Usually I try to find something, anything, positive to say about a movie or book I review, if only to give the author some credit for putting themselves and their creativity out there for public examination. And when Keith at Homomojo asked me if I’d like to review Skull & Bones, my intention was to take the same positive route. That’s just not possible with this movie.
If we gay people, as a group, had gone out one day for coffee, all together, for the express purpose of deciding upon a weapon to give Dr. Dobson and his ilk to use against us, we could not have made a more appropriate choice than the “movie” Skull & Bones.
Not since having my wisdom teeth removed have I voluntarily subjected myself to such a painful experience. To call it demented B-grade porn-lite would be generous. Much as I hate to destroy someone’s dream, this isn’t a dream–it’s a nightmarish waste of time.
It’s not merely that the plot was weak. It’s not even that half of the filming was obviously done in someone’s basement. No, the worst of it is that not one sensibility is left unoffended. Take A Clockwork Orange, dress it up in S&M gear, turn it gay, then multiply it by a factor of 1,000. And you’re still not close to how horrible and sick this disaster of a movie is.
Understand, I love horror movies–even the schlock ones. And I expect them to have at least some corny aspects. But Skull & Bones is just downright awful. The acting by the main characters, obviously some sadistic manifestation of the author’s fractured psyche, is terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible. The extent to which they sexually torture their captives is beyond depravity, and the director’s choice of “effects” is equally tasteless. You can say, for instance, that a guy shit himself without showing a closeup of his ass covered in shit. THAT should’ve been the picture on the cover. It would’ve been more honest.
The main thrust of the plot is that the two primary characters Nathan and Justin (I refuse to call them protagonists because there’s nothing positive about them) proceed to drug, kidnap, rape in various ways, then kill, “straight” men who’ve picked on them because they’re gay. As the movie proceeds, we’re either subjected to scenes with 3rd-grade drama club acting skills, in which they’re obviously reading cue cards, or scenes with 2nd-grade acting skills and shots of the same two unattractive asses thrusting back and forth as they rape their victims. Oh, and don’t forget the first rape scene in which the victim dies with his rapist inside him–and promptly evacuates himself, as we humans tend to do at death, prompting the aforementioned ass-covered-in-shit shot.
I can’t even begin to adequately condemn the dialogue. Suffice it to say that I’ve heard better dialogue in silent movies. Oh, yes.
Most disturbing to me, however, is the fact that someone actually thinks there’s a market for this mess. This sick fantasy arose from the author’s imagination, and I shudder to think what that author does in his personal life. God forbid Dr. Dobson and company should get their hands on this movie–I can fully see it being used as a tool against the gay community. “See!?!” they’ll say. “THIS is what those sodomites want for our nation!!” Great. Thanks a lot, asshole.
Honestly, Skull & Bones is THAT BAD. I forced, yes, forced myself to watch the entire movie. I said I would watch it, and I keep my word. Then I BURNED IT. I even burned the envelope it came in. I burned it, then took a shower to wash the filth off of myself.
And here’s the one good thing about the movie: it made pretty sparks in the woodstove.