Gay Jokes

I couldn’t believe this article in the Telegraph this morning.  “Gay Jokes Could Be Made Illegal” indeed. 

Why telling gay jokes is so important to Rowan Atkinson (a.k.a. Black Adder and Mr. Bean, whose best humor is his silent slapstick schtick), I don’t know, but I am adamantly opposed to the “legal banning” of words, books, speech, writing, etc.  Let society take its toll on those who are stupid enough to promote ideas or use words that are offensive.  And if you “ban” a word or phrase and make it a crime to use said word or phrase, then how am I to counter what I find offensive?  Don’ t limit my ability to defend myself against idiots who call me a faggot by banning us both from using the word. 

Freedom of speech means that you have the freedom to say what you want, and the freedom to suffer dearly for it.  Hey, freedom isn’t free. 

So, in this spirit of free speech, and perhaps to my eventual shunning by the rest of Gaydom, I hereby declare this an open thread to those of you with balls enough to make gay jokes.  But be warned: everyone can see what you’re writing . . .

I’ll jump start this bitch:

  • What’s the worst pick-up line in a gay bar? 
    • Can I push your stool in?  
  •  How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    • Five.  Don’t you get Bravo?  

Your turn: thread ’em or bitch about it–your choice.  

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18 thoughts on “Gay Jokes

  1. How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
    –Spit on the other guy’s back.

    Three gay men had recently lost their lovers and, by chance, met at the funeral home. The topic of conversation came around to what each man planned to do with his lover’s ashes.

    “Bruce was an amazing pilot,” said the first man, “So I’m going to go skydiving and scatter his ashes on the way to the ground.”

    “Gregory was an amazing sailor,” said the second man, “So I’m going to rent a boat and scatter his ashes in the ocean.”

    “Tad was an amazing lover,” said the third man, “So I’m going to sprinkle his ashes in a pot of chili and eat it so he can tear my ass up one last time.”

  2. Bette Davis and Joan Crawford were driving through the dessert one day when Joan said to Bette, “Bette, Bette, pull over to the side of the road, I have to take a piss.”

    Bette pulled over and Joan sprang out of the car, found a bush and hunkered down. Suddenly, a rattlesnake jumped up and bit Joan directly on her cookie.

    “Bette, Bette,” called Joan, “Oh help me. A rattle snake just bit me on my cooke!”

    Bette jumped into the car and drove to a nearby phone to call a doctor. “Doctor, doctor,” said Bette, “Joan Crawford has just been bitten on her cookie by a rattlesnake! What should I do?”

    The Doctor replied, “Bette, you’re going to have to suck out the poison.”

    Bette jumped back in the car and drove back to the spot where she left Joan.

    “Oh Bette, Bette,” cried Joan, “What did the doctor say?”

    “The doctor said you’re going to die!”

  3. Tom walks into a bar all distraught and asks the bartender for five shots of Jack Daniels. The bartender lines up the drinks, and Tom downs them in seconds.

    Bartender: Wow, you must have had a bad day, what happened?
    Tom: I just find out that my father’s gay.
    Bartender: What a bummer.

    They continue to talk and the bartender convinces Tom that it’s all right. Tom goes home upset, but more accepting of the turn of events.

    The next day Tom walks into the bar and asks for ten shots of JD. The bartender lines up the shots, and Tom downs them in seconds.

    Bartender: I guess you had another bad day. What happened?
    Tom: I just found out my son is gay.
    Bartender: What a bummer.

    Again, they talk some more, and the bartender convinces Tom that all will be okay and now that it appears ENDA will become law soon, that his son won’t be discriminated when he enters the workforce. The bartender also convinces Tom that although transgendered persons are not covered in the current bill, that passage of the current bill will facilitate it in the near future. Although Tom agreed with the bartender’s brilliant analysis, wonders why this digression was thrown in, but glad that they didn’t end up discussing the Genarlow Wilson case. After a couple of beers Tom accepts his son being gay and goes home.

    The next day Tom walks into the bar and orders fifteen shots of JD.

    Bartender: Geez, doesn’t anybody in your family like women?
    Tom: Yes, my wife.

    The bartender shakes his head and lines up the shots for Tom.

  4. Tom, Dick, and Harry died in a tragic accident. They approach the Pearly Gates in hopes of going to heaven. St. Peter tells them that they are each guilty of one of the deadly sins, and will have to go back to Earth for one day to prove themselves worthy of entering heaven.

    St. Peter tells Tom that he is guilty of the sin of gluttony. As such, St. Peter instructs Tom that he must not eat any food for one day, or he will immediately go to hell.

    Dick is guilty of the sin of lust. He is instructed that he is not to engage in any sex for one day, or he will immediately go to hell.

    Harry is guilty of the sin of greed. He is intructed that he is to not take any money for one day, or he will immediately go to hell.

    So the trio is sent back to Earth for their final day. They are hopeful and confident that they each can go a day without committing his sin. They walk by Tom’s house, and Tom tells his friends that he wants to say goodbye to his mother. He finds his mother just set the table for dinner and convinces his son to sit down and eat. Despite his protests, Tom gives in and begins to eat. When he took the first bite, *POOF* Tom immediately was sent to hell.

    Dick and Harry, upset about the plight of their friend, still wanted to go to heaven and went on their way convinced they would be free of sin for the day. But soon after Harry looked down and saw a dollar bill. Harry resisted the best he could, but gave in. He bent over to pick up the bill. *POOF* Dick and Harry were immediately sent to hell.

  5. Not a gay joke, but I like it anyway.

    Two whales, Phineas and Matilda, were traversing the ocean, when Phineas spots a navy ship ahead. Phineas explains to Matilda that he believes this ship was responsible for the death of his brother and wants revenge. Phineas suggests that the two of them go under the ship and simultaneously force air out their blowholes to overturn the ship. Matilda reluctantly agrees to help Phineas.

    So they both emerge from the water to take deep breaths, then go under the ship. They were able to overturn the ship and everyone on the ship went overboard. Phineas was happy but wanted more revenge.

    Phineas: This is great! Not only did we overturn the ship, but we can now devour all these sailors.
    Matilda: Look, Phineas. I agreed to the blow job, but I’m not swallowing any seamen.

  6. Again, they talk some more, and the bartender convinces Tom that all will be okay and now that it appears ENDA will become law soon, that his son won’t be discriminated when he enters the workforce. The bartender also convinces Tom that although transgendered persons are not covered in the current bill, that passage of the current bill will facilitate it in the near future. Although Tom agreed with the bartender’s brilliant analysis, wonders why this digression was thrown in, but glad that they didn’t end up discussing the Genarlow Wilson case. After a couple of beers Tom accepts his son being gay and goes home.

    Ha! Pat WINS!

  7. What’s the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? Freezers don’t fart when you pull the meat out.

    Why was Steve looking forward to Southern Decadence? He wanted to eat, drink, and be Mary.

    Two gay men are walking down the street when they see a really hot guy. The first guy says to the second guy “wow did you see him” the second guy replies “yea I fucked him” the first guy quickly shoots back “no shit” and the second guy replies “very little”

  8. I asked a friend for funny gay jokes and she told me one she found hilarious which, I have to admit, I just didn’t really get.

    How many gay guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    –Just one, but good luck getting him to stop blowing strangers in public restrooms to do it.

    I promptly made fun of her being Thai and we both felt we were even.

  9. (Adapted to make it a gay joke)

    Rick came home from work on a Monday and after giving his husband Mark a kiss, Mark started telling him about how things were going on his week off from work. He mentioned that the faucet is dripping and won’t stop, and asked Rick if he could fix it. Rick replied, “Do I look like a plumber?” So the faucet continued to drip.

    After work on Tuesday, Rick is greeted by Mark at the door. Mark mentioned that the door knob fell off and asked Rick to fix it. Rick replied, “Do I look like a carpenter?” So they just left the knob off the door.

    (Skip the next paragraph if you feel you are sufficiently set up.)

    So after Rick comes home from work on Wednesday, Mark mentioned that one of the light fixtures is on the fritz. He asked Rick to fix it, and Rick replied, “Do I look like an electrician?” So the light continue to flicker.

    On Thursday a neighbor, Steve, stopped by the house. After chatting a bit, Mark learned that Steve was a handyman. He was able to fix the faucet, the doorknob, and the light fixture. When Rick came home, Mark told him the good news.

    Rick: That’s great. How much did you have to pay Steve for all the work?
    Mark: Nothing. He said that I could make him a cake or have sex with him.
    Rick: Oh, what kind of cake did you make?
    Mark: Do I look like a baker?

  10. How many gay guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    –Just one, but good luck getting him to stop blowing strangers in public restrooms to do it.

    Hmmm. QJ, I think I sort of get the joke. Let me try to modify it.

    How many gay guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    -Just one, but good luck getting him to stop toe tapping in public restrooms to do it.

  11. Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly?
    They’re going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.

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