I Own You All

Never fly on a plane in Africa, especially if you’re a doctor.  At least that’s the impression I get from reading my email.  Seems like every other day some long lost Nigerian relative of mine has died in a plane crash and left me a fortune.  And they’re all doctors.  What a pity.

If you’re like me, you probably have more than one email account, for whatever reasons.  I have a personal account, as well as a couple of yahoo accounts (my primary yahoo account was the one I learned to play Canasta with, and my score got too low from my beginning rounds of play, so I have another exclusively for that).  I have an account that I use for contact on this blog (CONTACT on the bottom right-hand side of the screen), and my personal email is only for the select few (you know who you are).  Somehow, despite my best efforts, every single one of these accounts receives scam emails on a regular basis.  So now it is my turn to turn the tables on the idiot writing those pieces of palather. 

To begin with, I have never used PayPal.  I don’t like putting my financial information anywhere, anytime, and only do so under the most controlled circumstances.  Given the recent debacle with our local banks, that’s almost certainly a good thing.  Yet despite my lack of patronage of the PayPal system, I opened my email this morning to find that–gasp!–my PayPal information needs to be updated:

yamail.jpg

Ooooookay.  Now even if I was a PayPal client, which I am most definitely NOT, can anyone tell me the first clue in the picture that tells you this is a scam?  Anyone?  Beuller?  How about the “TO:” list?  If this was truly from PayPal, wouldn’t they only email ME, or am I supposed to believe that every Yahoo client whose name begins with “mo” simultaneously had their Paypal records go “out of date?”  (And incidentally, I love the fact that there’s an admitted mofo @ yahoo.  That’s a hoot.)  I don’t know how or why I got this crap, but the address appears to be the actual PayPal site, which I find disturbing if I may understate the case. 

I really do think there’s a scam involved with that one, but can’t prove it.  Yet.  Others, however, are far more easily discerned.  Take, for example, the email from Mrs. Eava Van Boer claiming that I have won a million pounds.  How rude.  I may have gained a little weight, but that’s just wrong.  Damn you Eava!!  A true Brit would never be so uncivilized as to comment on a stranger’s weight problems.  Besides, not only have I won her lottery (without entering, I might add), but just look at all the money I’ve won:

  • EURO MILLIONS SPANISH LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL (One million euros)
  • online Lotto – Zo werkt Lotto (One Million Pounds)
  • Several African Lotteries totalling over 30 million USD

Then, of course, there are the openly stated scams–at least, if tried within the U.S. I think they’d be deemed illegal.  Such as this gem:

“I am Barrister Peter Van Smith, a solicitor at law. I was the personal
attorney to Eng, John McPherson,
a national of your country who used to work with an oil servicing company
here in Amsterdam-Netherlands
after which be referred to as my client.

Eng, John McPherson 62 years of age made a fixed deposit of fund valued at
USD$18,500,000
(Eighteen Million,Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) with a
Security Company/Finance Firm
here in Europe and unfortunately lost his life in an Egyptian charter plane
Boeing 737 which crashed into
the Red Sea early on January 3 shortly after taking off from the resort of
Sharm el-Sheikh,
killing all the 135 passengers and 13 crew members aboard, Ref:
(View: http://english.people.com.cn/200401/04/eng20040104_131791.shtml). He
left no clear beneficiary as
Next of Kin except some vital documents related to the deposit still in my
possession.

Recently, the governing body of the Security Company/Finance Firm contacted
me on this matter, requesting
that I should notify the next of kin of my late client to claim the funds
and I am yet to provide the Next
of Kin to lay claims to the Fund. I know that my client had no living next
of kin but I went ahead
and made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of my late clients
extended relatives but this has
proved unsuccessful.Under a clear and legitimate agreement with you.

I seek your consent to present you as the next so that my late client’s
fund will not be confiscated by the
Security Company.

You and I can share the money, you will be entitled to 50% of the total
fund for your role as the relative
and next of kin of my late client, 40% for me while 10% is to be marked out
for any expenses that will be incurred
during the clearance or process of transfer of the fund to your bank
account.

Be informed that there is no risk involved as all necessary legal documents
that will be used to back you up as
the legal beneficiary and next of kin of my late client will be procured.

All I require is your sincerity, honesty,co-operation and utmost good
faiths to enable us see this deal through.
I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that
will protect you from any breach of the law.
Kindly, get in touch with me by my e-mail ( peter_van_smith2@yahoo.dk ) or
telephone to enable us discuss

further.You may also send your telephone number so that I can call you.Do
not forget that a
transaction of this magnitude require utmost confidentiality and sincerity.

I look forward to your urgent response.

Thank you,
Peter Van Smith
Tel:+31-616 729 060″

I’ve got your confidential urgent response right here, idiot.  I hope the FBI nails your ass to the wall.  Then there will be one less douchebag filling my mailbox with SPAM like this.  You sent me this unsolicited LIE, now YOU deal with it.  I hope your phone bill goes through the roof and everyone who sees this calls you collect. 

One last, parting thought on this topic: I just totalled all of the money I have supposedly “won,” or other parties wish to “deposit to my account,” and the total is somewhere over 2 billion dollars within the last 6 months alone. 

That’s a lot of Spam.

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One thought on “I Own You All

  1. I have one idea. Way we pay for Internet. Is on Internet not low. Way, somm one like Google wich have so much info dont make Program so that automatikli righte somm mark or simular on names wich is on Google markt like spam. Google have to be higli kontrolet wich People is spamed. Wenn somm one recive message whit this sign (name wich is spamed)have only to look at Google and pruf this name. There is meny spamed name. It is free and take par sekund to finde it.This is my ideea and if they want to take it I want to be payed for it, ok. That schell helpe meny people and to make this Program is simpll.Pleas put this message on Google it is not jock. Too there is posible to send this saing emmidiate wenn somm body send message whit words looto or somm thing like this so that people cann kontrol messages wich they recive.

    Bests regards Mrs. ZZ

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